Just a Thought

A saturday afternoon... U have nothing else to do so u go and sit in a nearby contest going on.... some beauty pageant kind of... but on a very small scale... to let u kno the exact amplitude of the event,say there are just 20 contestants ... (not by choice but because no one else registered)... All dressed up in vivid attires and wearing loads of makeup..they all are wearing expensive clothes and by the way they carry themselves u can say that they all belong to affluent families ,or are not destitute if not very rich...

The contest is going on in the parking area of a Large brand ...We would here call that brand "X" ... Even though it is winters,the sun is shining brightly and all the girls are sweaty waiting for the judges... some wear sunglasses and others just condemn the organisers for makng them sit in the hot sun for so long... The prize of the event "free shopping worth Rs.5000 and a free makeover"

And then they come... the judges ... equally dressed up ... they look affluent and well educated too...and have a good personality.....

Finally the drama starts and the girls are called one by one on the stage for the first round.. Topic : "tell us something about yourself" ..one of the girls give a beautiful answer of "helping the traumatised people of mumbai attack by counselling them" and all the hands come together for clapping...Some others talk about helping the destitute and other social things done by them,equally beautiful....

And then u spot that many "cycle walas" and "thelewalllas" are peering in the contest area(it was in open)... Still the girls do not alllow these people to daunt them and the show goes on...

As the show nears its end,and the final FIVE stand on the stage,you see a young girl,very poor peering into the show... and then you think, is this teh real motive of "Ms X"? One of the affluent girls,for whom the shopping of Rs.5000 may not mean a iota of difference,would win, and that will satiate her hunger for winning for quite sometime,and then she would forget all of this ...but what is the use of that prize when it can not be for good?

All this kind of contests meant for just gaining public interest,cant be made in interest of the public? What is the need for so many contests for the affluent who already have all this,but cant a part of it devoted to the needy who are capable but cant be a part because they cant afford it?

"HELPING THE DESTITUTE" sounds so worn out now,because people now use it only to gain public attention and kudos...

Be it the girls working for YOUR entertainment in a recreation club, or the unwanted girl children of the poor, you can see them digging in the dirt of the dustbins so that they can have something to eat, and so u can see certain people leering over the little girls as they are vulnerable.. Dont these girls have the same rights to have the happiness that others have?

Just ask yourself, What if you were that cindrella waiting for your godmother....And if you dont like that idea,try becoming god mother to atleast one cindrella... give them the happiness they deserve...

Just For You

Today I sit thinking,What I was and what I am,

What the time is bringing,Is it better,Or is it lame

Life didnt turn,The Way I wanted it to,

So many lessons to learn,Everything seems new

I dreamt of stars,But landed on ground,

Wanted to go far,Searching happiness never found

Were My dreams not conceivable,or so profound

that the melody ended and now there is no sound

I dont know if its imaginary or real,

I dont know if you have felt the way I feel,

I dont know is it easy for you or tough,

I dont know If I pleaded you enough

I am lost and I wait for a hand,

which I think is lost,but waiting I stand

In the darkness of woods and silent surroundings,

I wait for you,and days I am counting

I hope that there must be something,

That I can do or say to make you stay,

A second chance is all I am asking,

So that I can be with you Someday

I hope that someday you would feel,

The same feelings that are hard for me to conceal

I hope that someday life will be benign

And that someday I would be fine....

My Friends

Today is just another day.And I am here sitting to write yet another entry to my blog.You may think that I make an entry only when I am feeling low and really need to spill the beans,and in that case you are quite right in your assessment.

My life has always been easy...or I am lucky as you may say.Everything is perfect in my life.. loving family,loyal boyfriend,good education,prosperous career waiting ahead and whatever you feel that can make a person happy and cheerful..I have all of that and much more.Still then there are certain times when I feel it would have been better the other way or that certain changes are required.If anything is constant in this world it is the change.I was a happy and cheerful person with my simple and easygoing life...till when I decided to add a little complexity to it...and since then my life has been hell lot complicated.

Complications are not something that I would like to discuss on a public blog like this.But what I would like to share is what I feel,What I think and What are the consequences I think I will go through.

I am 20 years of age now and I have seen many friends come and go through.Friends would not be the perfect word as many of them were more like aquaintances and we interacted only when required.And what I feel is that we like the people only when we know just a little about them.
Think of the situation like this.A little girl has been given a beautiful doll made of cloth and cotton to her by her grand mother. The little girl loves playing with it because of its beauty and softness.But one day while playing,by accident she happens to tear the doll apart,and all the stuffing and cotton of the doll comes out.It is when the little girl acctually comes to know how ugly is the doll from inside and hence starts hating it and abandons it.

Similar to the above situation ,When you meet a new person,what you show that person is that you are a perfect person and have only good attributes in you.But it is a fact that no one is that perfect and evryone has certain drawbacks.Similarly it applies to the other person too.You like that person because you like his/her picture potrayed to you by himself/herself.As you start going into details of the person,the things would start resurfacing and then you may not be quite comfortable with the person and you say it is lack of compatibility,whereas it is acctually the understanding that is now coming your way. Love comes in misunderstanding,And when understanding comes,hatred comes along.

May be this is one of the reasons of the frequent break ups,heart breaks and broken relationships.It is also the reason of the trust being lost and the spaces that come between two people.It is not that the person changes,He has always been like that for his whole life,for a person's nature never changes,But what has changed is the way you look at the person,your perspective.

And this is definitely the case with me,and a lot of us.I have not changed at all.This is what I have been all my life,Its just that I am afraid of losing friends and family if I let out these attributes of me.And if I want to be loved,I should potray myself flawless and not let any one know about my weaknesses.

It is what I have learned from all my relationships,aquaintances that everything..and even when I am hurt,I choose to get to know more people..learn more about how the emotions really work,When is it the best time to continue it forward and when to let go...Cause if I give up then I would never know if a bright side to this exists...

So here I am....In the pursuit of the horizon....

Welcome to India

Welcome to India!! Diverse nature,culture,people,languages,states,traditions and there exists a longer list to show the diversity.For further guidance let me quote the preamble of our constitution here :

"WE, THE PEOPLE OF INDIA, having solemnly resolved to constitute India into a SOVEREIGN SOCIALIST SECULAR DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC and to secure to all its citizens:
JUSTICE, social, economic and political;
LIBERTY of thought, expression, belief, faith and worship;
EQUALITY of status and of opportunity;
and to promote among them all
FRATERNITY assuring the dignity of the individual and the unity and integrity of the Nation"

Over the last 61 years of independence and democracy India ,still considered one of the younger nations has reached many horizons and at the same time seen many downfalls as well.Be it the reign of Gandhis aur Nehru's , Hindus or Muslims,India has tried to flourish, and all that bacame possible only due to the integrity the people of india maintained. But over the last few years ,this integrity has been shown way out as people tend to put their states,caste,creed above nation. whether it be injustice to Manipur player who was denied olympics, or the partition of thoughts on the nuclear deal due to political advantages, or the inappropriate behaviour at the parliament during the trust vote,all of this and much more has caused India a fortune.

The very recent Jaya Bachchan Case adds testimony to the fact that Indians have lost all of their Faith in being called "Indians" and would rather be called "Maharashtriyan". The actions taken by Raj thackrey are highly inappropriate and would cause Indian integrity to suffer a lot.These actions were taken only in order to gain political advantage and publicity.These kind of happenings are also inappropriate in way that politics should not be mixed with bollywood as the artists are incapable of playing the tactics most of the politicians play in order to get the advantage.

Hence in order to turn india back to India of our dreams we need to remove the mask of our respective states and treat all others equally,Not as Maharashtriyans or bengalis,Rajasthanis or Kashmiris but as Indians, And it will be only then when India can get back to a steady development to super power.

Back to college

People believe that college life is the best part of one's life.The friends,the group,the bunks,the professers,the girlfrnds/boyfrnds and sometimes studies, all of these and much more makes up an individual's college life.No one can afford to forget the freshers party,or the farewell,the convocation,or the annual festivals of their college.Truly,college life is the best part of life for a few,and for the other lot like me,I hate being in college.

I am an engineering student.In India it is tough to get admission in a professional course,and tougher to get admission in the college like mine.B.E. is a degree of four years ,and I have already completed two.And now I am back to college for the Third,and I dont like being back in college.The reason?Read on,May be its your story too.

24 july 2006 was the golden date when I joined the college.I was really excited about the college life like every school child.I felt that college means growing up,and searching for the true identity of oneself. College to me was loads of fun,a bit of studies,haging out in canteen with frnds,bunking lectures and going for movies....in all everything that you would have wanted to do when you went to college.

I am an introvert,but somehow I managed to make 6 really good frnds here.Whom I trusted and still do a lot. Whom I believed could and would help me out in every situation.That was a lot to expect or may be it is not something to be demanded for in college .I dint know.I was new to college.

Then all 7 of us made frnds with a group of guys.And we had a HUGE group.And it was everything I ever wanted.A huge group with which I could enjoy the life at college.It was working all fine in the first few couple of moths.And then later on...Everything changed...or should I say annihilated.The issues are not to be discussed,but briefly,we all broke off, Specially I was kind of boycotted.I dont say that I was innocent,but I do say that I was not clever enough to prove my point.

So was the first year with many many fights amongst me and my frnds,differences,humiliation and that was not fun at all.Our group no longer remained mine and I lost all of my interest in college then.College life without frnds is lifeless. The enjoyment and fun we 7 frnds had in the lectures were lost. Some of us could not stand each other then and dint talk out anything.

But slowly and steadily things started falling in corerct places and all of us,7 of us,came back together.But the differences already created were difficult to overcome. The bitterness in mind was not easy to be erased.Still then,we are still together.It has been a long time and each one of us may not be comfortable with rest of us,but still we are together.Though all of us have found out the only ppl we want to share our secrets with.

Of The people we share our secrets with one of them is essentially our boyfrnds.The concept of Boyfrnds and girlfrnds in college looks fun only when we are not involved in any relation like that.Once we get into that its really hard to set one's priority to other things and giving time to other frnds.Weekends are devoted to dating and nights devoted to long phone chats.

In colleges,or as to say my college specially, many couples are formed just for the sake of being in a couple.Such things make me lose interest in the word Relationship as such.I dont understand who is trying to fool whom by roaming about in a couple they acctually dont belong to or have no longing for.

All these things make me lose interest in college and my life as a whole.The only good days that I have had during my college is the time of vacation in which I went back home.I dont know whether college would be able to teach me anything worth or not but definitely it has taught me the value of home and family and also taught me to be diplomatic. So I dont like being back to college but here I am to do another year of college BACK TO COLLEGE...

My Love Life

Everyone thinks that I have been bestowed upon with a lover that is hard or possibly impossible to get in a world like that of today.May be they are right in their thinking.May be he is the perfect guy.May be he is the one every girl is looking out for.But trust me...listen to my side of story about so called "Long distance relationships" and I bet you will not want to get in that kind of commitment that brings you promises,but no fulfilment, brings you love but no expression,brings you trust but no faith.

It all starts with the three most common words "I love you" and ends in nothing but a long wait....a wait to be with them,a wait to do what you always wanted to do,a wait to hear them speak to you,a wait to even get a look back and finally a wait for them to talk to you like they talked to you earlier when you had just started going out....A wait that never seem to end and last indefinitely.

It started like that for me too.About 5 years ago from now,I made this incredible friend who was the sweetest person I had known then.A friend who didn't care about my looks,but my thoughts,who didn't care about how young I was to him but how my nature was. Slowly and steadily as time moved on , I left my school and went to college this friend of mine got a huge break of working in the US.Then it all started.We went to the destined places and started missing each other(as far as I know he missed me too..or atleast he pretended to miss me).

Then after 15 months, on one of his trips to India he came to meet me,and proposed me in a grown up style...with a ring...and that was acctually the moment of my life.You yourself can imagine being proposed by the love of your life in a way so romantic and so not realistic.It was a fairy tale to me and that was the time I realised that I had already fallen so much in love with that guy.

In the beginning it was all working out fine with the distance.30 mins of daily phone talk and I was near him more than I was to anyone else.I was waiting.Days became weeks,weeks became months,and months....years.But I was faithful to him all the time.It is not that I didn't have any other crushes ,any desires.It is also not that no one else has asked me out. Everytime I went to a restaurant,a movie,shopping, or anything there were couples. Even the college canteen was dating place...and watching all of them reminded me of no one but him.

I wanted to do all this with him. Watch movies,go out for lunch,dinner...ice cream... 5 years and our relationship has 2 movies,5 lunches,3 ice creams, and zero bike rides.Things that come for a normal couple in like some 1 month,it took us 5 long years to reach there.And even worse...all of my friends now have boyfriends...and it is well understood that once you have a boyfriend he is at the highest priority than anyone else.and you cant expect me to just remain at my hostel and do nothing on my holidays.

And of course America is a place to visit.What he had in his life then was many visits ... watching all of the america ...going out... and doing whatever he wanted to do...all the time.Friends and friends and friends keep him so much occupied that he hardly has time to think about me...or miss me...

I have been hearing from february to march to april to may to june just that one thing...."I am Coming back sweetheart" and then well made excuses and explanations for each cancellation.Am I not allowed to enjoy being in a couple?Or atleast feel that I am in a couple? Why cant you understand that you are much more than a status symbol for me....and as far as i believe I have waited really long,and now I deserve better.This is not a life that I deserve.I dont deserve to be left alone on new year's eve or sit alone in my hostel room on the valentine's day either.I deserve to see you atleast on my birthday.I deserve to make a cake for you on yours.I deserve to Atleast look you into your eyes when I say "I love you" and then I deserve to hear it back...It is not you or me who is killing the love,its the distance and cant you see that?

It has now been 16 months after that proposal.It all seemed to have changed so much.As if the understanding we shared has been lost.Or is it the effect of the distance.Whatever it is,the warmth that we once had has been zeroed down to nil.The way he talked to me then,the way he wanted to be with me....everything seemed to have changed so much.The talks have been reduced and so is the interest...

I dont know what road I have taken or what I am heading towards.I don't want to know whether everything will turn out right or not.I may have taken a way that has taken me far away from you.Or may be once you come back everything will turn out to be just in place.I am not sure...not sure at all...I admit it in front of everyone....I may not wait longer....this wait is killing me now and I dont think I can take the pain any longer.But I really love you and wish that there were not so many complications....I wish my life would have been simpler...with you by my side always...I wish our relationship was not such a "LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP" that you start taking me as your PHONE FRIEND instead of girlfriend.I dont want to just be a Phone number in your cell phone...Hope you'll understand what I mean.

Please Come Back soon.

As You Grow

When the broken hearts are mended and the many tears are dried, you learn.When you are over the old boyfriends and girlfriends and you realise you can live without your first love,you learn.You see the world doesn't end just because you think it will,and sometimes growing up means letting go.You learn what real love is,and you begin to see a freind who really cares for you is better than a hundred friends who dont.
you learn you can be strong,take each day step by step,and survive every sad moment.So feel the pain and cry the tears,go out and experience life.But when you are at the end of your rope,and you are ready to jump off that legde,remember that heartache fades,pain subsides,and though life seems at times too tough to handle,its also too precious gift to waste,Keep on living,never give up,and remember :As you grow,you learn.

Have I been Living?

Life not only ends on dying,But also when there are no answers,no way out.

I have spent 20 years of my life Covering up my tears in my blanket at night,laughing out loud when I acctually wanted to cry aloud,sympathizing with myself and tying to console that everything will be alright when I acctually knew that will not be alright,trying to find out the reasons answers for whatever happened,thinking and dreaming about my boyfrnd, trying to find out happiness in gratification and success. Now, After 20 years of living my life like this I think Whether I have acctually lived?Or was it just superficial way of showing off everyone that I can never be sad and that I am really strong?

I have spent 20 years being good.Depends on how you define the term "Good".For my parents being good means following their dreams for me and overshadowing my expectations from my own self.For my teachers it means I should be able to learn a TECHNIQUE that will lead to my constant GRATIFICATION and SECURITY. Deceiving is the word "happiness" because one cannot be constantly happy.Am I actually looking for constant happiness? Or I am just looking for an escape into the crowd so that I may FIT IN,I am not out of place and time,or atleast others dont find me OBSELETE.

I have spent 20 years dreaming to be with my boyfrnd whom I think I love a lot.Do I acctually love him?Or is it just an obsession?Relations as we see them,black and white,are they always the way they look?20 years of my life have been devoted to learning,or is my education just limited to memorizing thousands of facts and not acctually not the art of living?Or is it that I have been just FRAMED into a Box of "do's and dont's" and now I am supposed to live in the boundary drawn around me for the rest of my life?

I took 20 years to learn that What comes,goes.Nothing stays,nothing is permanent.The only constant thing in this world is Change.We all Change.Sometimes for good of our own selves,sometimes for others our parents,lovers.Change can also be a result of the demand.These changes are always the result of our thoughts.Thoughts, that are always there in our mind.Thoughts make our life change all the time but is it right to always keep on thinking?alongwith changes dont our thought bring Conflicts too?dont they make our problems more complicated?Are not we the ones responsible for our sufferings and pains?are not we the ones who make the problems more complex?

20 years of living made me realise that Friends are not forever.They will leave you at some point of time, may be because of their career choice,or may be because of their love life,or it may also be because of their other frnds.But the thing that I dont understand is Should people be forgiven for this?Of course,they must be because all of us fall in the category of "Friends" of someone.The larger picture asks whether there can be people who are perfect friends,who will never leave you even for their Children?The question is debatable and the answer varies from person to person

I have lived for 20 years and still not lived at all.My Consious mind lets everyone know that I am the happiest person on earth and I have all that I want,but the unconsious mind remains hidden,deep somewhere,unseen and can be felt just by me and no one else.There is no one to listen to my thoughts and even if there is,they are so busy in their lives themselves and have problems and queries of their own.This lonliness that is covered by the glittering false crowd around me,makes my heart hollow,and creates a void that need to be filled then.There are ways that I know like music,books,meditation.But are these ways acctually filling the emptiness in me?Or are they just helping me to run away from it for sometime?

It took me 20 years to realise that love and lust are two separate issues.Lust is for a short time,while Love is forever.After realising this I clearly dont understand why people try to use these two as synonyms in their life? Why is Lust neatly covered by the name of Love?Why people fall in this well of trust and ruin their lives?

What I see is that I have acctually been running in the blind race to the infinity and I have shut my eyes so tight that I missed out on the beautiful side of life.And now when I am trying to open my eyes,I am standing on the mountain top,with no one besides me.

The view on the top is beautiful,but there is no life left,because there is no one to answer my questions,and on the blind run I climbed up the mountain without looking at the way and now I Dont kno the way out....

Kya Karun...

Intezaar ke lamho mein hai jo,
milne ki betabi ka kya karun,
beeti baaton mein hai jo,
samayi yaadon ka kya karun

thehre jeevan mein hai jo,
tumhe paane ki chahat ka kya karun
,ladkhadati dhadkan mein hai jo,
tumhari tasveer ka kya karun

har uthti nazar mein hai jo,
tumhaare tassavur ki chahat ka kya karun,
har awaaz mein hai jo,
tumhe sunne ki aadat ka kya karun

marne ke ehsaas mein hai jo,
tumse bichdne ka darr ka kya karun,
lekin zindagi mein hai jo,
intezaar ka mausam ka kya karun....

Yaad Tumhari

In komal sard hawaon mein,
jab yaad tumhari aati hai,
tanhai mein mujhe satakar,
mehfil mein bhi tanha kar jaati hai,

fiza jo yun hi chalte chalte,
chukar mujhe yun jaati hai,
shayad tum yahin kahin ho,
ehsaas sa de jaati hai,

aaina jo dekhun mein,
mujhe sharm si aati hai,
sakhiyaan naam tera lekar,
dinbhar mujhe satati hain,

jab ye nigahein kabhi,
tujhe dekhe bin taras jaati hain,
tab,sanam mujhe yaad teri,
nagin jaise das jaati hai,

tum nahi ho paas mere,
tumhari yaad to harpal saath hai,
kuch aur mein sochun kaise,
har khayal mein teri hi baat hai,

chura kar mujhe mujhse,
tum to dur chale jaoge,
lekin yeh yaadein jo meri hain,
mujhse chura naa paoge,

fir komal sard hawaon mein,
yaad tumhari jab aayegi,
tum na sahi,par yaad tumhari,
hotho par muskaan de jayegi....................

Aadat si ho gayi hai

jab se dil lagaya hai tumse
humko muskurane ki aadat si ho gayi hai,

intezaar aapka karte rehne ki der tak,
aur baichen rehne ki aadat si ho gayi hai,

kho kar aapke khayalon mein,
chup rehne ki aadat si ho gayi hai,

tanha rehte the hum kabhi,
ab to saath ke aapki aadat si ho gayi hai,

jab se chaha hai humnein tumko,
sapno mein tumhe dekhne ki aadat si ho gayi hai,

chhod kar humein tum chale naa jana,
humein tumhari aadat si ho gayi hai,

kehte hain chahat ek baar hi milti hai,
ab tumhe chahne ki aadat si ho gayi hai,

koi shikwa hai na koi gila tumse,
tumhari achaiyon ki humein aadat si ho gayi hai,

pata nahi tum kismat mein humari ho ya nahi,
par har dua mein tumhe maangne ki aadat si ho gayihai,

jab se dil lagaya hai tumse,
tumhe hi sochne ki aadat si ho gayi hai,aadat si ho gayi hai..........

Judai

kitni hansi hai yeh judai humari,
har baat ab to yaad aati hai tumhari,
kabhi muskana to kabhi itrana tera,
kitni thi pyaari woh baatein saari.

kabhi lagta hai badi mithi hai yeh judai humari,
badi khaas hai humare liye yeh yaari tumhari,
yoon hi haath pakad kar baahon mein bhar lena,
haai!! kitni khubsurat hain yeh yaadein tumhari,

kya gajab dhaati hai yeh judai humari,
yun hi kabhi aakhein bhar aati hain humari
jab kabhi tumhara chehra aankhon par cha jata hai,
jaise duniya tham jaati hai yeh saari,

oh sanam!humein pagal naa kar de yeh judai humari,
tumhari baaton par to mein hoon apna dil hari,
kabhi yun hi halka sa dard hota hai kahin,
sochkar woh pal jab thi mein sirf tumhari,

kitni hansi hai yeh judai humari,
har baat ab to yaad aati hai tumhari,
lekin jyada yeh dard sahan na hoga sanam,
aakhir aadat jo pad gayi hai tumhari,aadat jo pad gayi hai tumhari............

Akhri Faisla

Akhri Faisla


Lamha lamha jaise sarakta hai,
Dil aur bhi bebak ho dhadakta hai,
Jeevan ka kafila armano aur khwahishon ko lekar,
thodi aur dur chalne ko tadapta hai,

yaad aane lagati hain peeche chuti meethi baatein,
to kabhi sunahari yaadon ka bageecha mahakta hai,
tutkar bikharne lagte hain saare waade,
jhuthi tasalliyon se dil ab na bahalta hai,

lekin saasein ruki nahi hai abhi,
dhadkan ab bhi tumhare saath hai,
jaise chahoge waise hi aage badegi,
jeevan nauka ab bhi tumhare haath hai,

tum zindagi ko chunkar ko dekho,
aur zindagi bhi saharsh tumhe chun legi,
aa gayi hai faisle ki ghadi .....
abyeh mauka shayad zindagi fir na degi...........