Have I been Living?

Life not only ends on dying,But also when there are no answers,no way out.

I have spent 20 years of my life Covering up my tears in my blanket at night,laughing out loud when I acctually wanted to cry aloud,sympathizing with myself and tying to console that everything will be alright when I acctually knew that will not be alright,trying to find out the reasons answers for whatever happened,thinking and dreaming about my boyfrnd, trying to find out happiness in gratification and success. Now, After 20 years of living my life like this I think Whether I have acctually lived?Or was it just superficial way of showing off everyone that I can never be sad and that I am really strong?

I have spent 20 years being good.Depends on how you define the term "Good".For my parents being good means following their dreams for me and overshadowing my expectations from my own self.For my teachers it means I should be able to learn a TECHNIQUE that will lead to my constant GRATIFICATION and SECURITY. Deceiving is the word "happiness" because one cannot be constantly happy.Am I actually looking for constant happiness? Or I am just looking for an escape into the crowd so that I may FIT IN,I am not out of place and time,or atleast others dont find me OBSELETE.

I have spent 20 years dreaming to be with my boyfrnd whom I think I love a lot.Do I acctually love him?Or is it just an obsession?Relations as we see them,black and white,are they always the way they look?20 years of my life have been devoted to learning,or is my education just limited to memorizing thousands of facts and not acctually not the art of living?Or is it that I have been just FRAMED into a Box of "do's and dont's" and now I am supposed to live in the boundary drawn around me for the rest of my life?

I took 20 years to learn that What comes,goes.Nothing stays,nothing is permanent.The only constant thing in this world is Change.We all Change.Sometimes for good of our own selves,sometimes for others our parents,lovers.Change can also be a result of the demand.These changes are always the result of our thoughts.Thoughts, that are always there in our mind.Thoughts make our life change all the time but is it right to always keep on thinking?alongwith changes dont our thought bring Conflicts too?dont they make our problems more complicated?Are not we the ones responsible for our sufferings and pains?are not we the ones who make the problems more complex?

20 years of living made me realise that Friends are not forever.They will leave you at some point of time, may be because of their career choice,or may be because of their love life,or it may also be because of their other frnds.But the thing that I dont understand is Should people be forgiven for this?Of course,they must be because all of us fall in the category of "Friends" of someone.The larger picture asks whether there can be people who are perfect friends,who will never leave you even for their Children?The question is debatable and the answer varies from person to person

I have lived for 20 years and still not lived at all.My Consious mind lets everyone know that I am the happiest person on earth and I have all that I want,but the unconsious mind remains hidden,deep somewhere,unseen and can be felt just by me and no one else.There is no one to listen to my thoughts and even if there is,they are so busy in their lives themselves and have problems and queries of their own.This lonliness that is covered by the glittering false crowd around me,makes my heart hollow,and creates a void that need to be filled then.There are ways that I know like music,books,meditation.But are these ways acctually filling the emptiness in me?Or are they just helping me to run away from it for sometime?

It took me 20 years to realise that love and lust are two separate issues.Lust is for a short time,while Love is forever.After realising this I clearly dont understand why people try to use these two as synonyms in their life? Why is Lust neatly covered by the name of Love?Why people fall in this well of trust and ruin their lives?

What I see is that I have acctually been running in the blind race to the infinity and I have shut my eyes so tight that I missed out on the beautiful side of life.And now when I am trying to open my eyes,I am standing on the mountain top,with no one besides me.

The view on the top is beautiful,but there is no life left,because there is no one to answer my questions,and on the blind run I climbed up the mountain without looking at the way and now I Dont kno the way out....

Kya Karun...

Intezaar ke lamho mein hai jo,
milne ki betabi ka kya karun,
beeti baaton mein hai jo,
samayi yaadon ka kya karun

thehre jeevan mein hai jo,
tumhe paane ki chahat ka kya karun
,ladkhadati dhadkan mein hai jo,
tumhari tasveer ka kya karun

har uthti nazar mein hai jo,
tumhaare tassavur ki chahat ka kya karun,
har awaaz mein hai jo,
tumhe sunne ki aadat ka kya karun

marne ke ehsaas mein hai jo,
tumse bichdne ka darr ka kya karun,
lekin zindagi mein hai jo,
intezaar ka mausam ka kya karun....

Yaad Tumhari

In komal sard hawaon mein,
jab yaad tumhari aati hai,
tanhai mein mujhe satakar,
mehfil mein bhi tanha kar jaati hai,

fiza jo yun hi chalte chalte,
chukar mujhe yun jaati hai,
shayad tum yahin kahin ho,
ehsaas sa de jaati hai,

aaina jo dekhun mein,
mujhe sharm si aati hai,
sakhiyaan naam tera lekar,
dinbhar mujhe satati hain,

jab ye nigahein kabhi,
tujhe dekhe bin taras jaati hain,
tab,sanam mujhe yaad teri,
nagin jaise das jaati hai,

tum nahi ho paas mere,
tumhari yaad to harpal saath hai,
kuch aur mein sochun kaise,
har khayal mein teri hi baat hai,

chura kar mujhe mujhse,
tum to dur chale jaoge,
lekin yeh yaadein jo meri hain,
mujhse chura naa paoge,

fir komal sard hawaon mein,
yaad tumhari jab aayegi,
tum na sahi,par yaad tumhari,
hotho par muskaan de jayegi....................

Aadat si ho gayi hai

jab se dil lagaya hai tumse
humko muskurane ki aadat si ho gayi hai,

intezaar aapka karte rehne ki der tak,
aur baichen rehne ki aadat si ho gayi hai,

kho kar aapke khayalon mein,
chup rehne ki aadat si ho gayi hai,

tanha rehte the hum kabhi,
ab to saath ke aapki aadat si ho gayi hai,

jab se chaha hai humnein tumko,
sapno mein tumhe dekhne ki aadat si ho gayi hai,

chhod kar humein tum chale naa jana,
humein tumhari aadat si ho gayi hai,

kehte hain chahat ek baar hi milti hai,
ab tumhe chahne ki aadat si ho gayi hai,

koi shikwa hai na koi gila tumse,
tumhari achaiyon ki humein aadat si ho gayi hai,

pata nahi tum kismat mein humari ho ya nahi,
par har dua mein tumhe maangne ki aadat si ho gayihai,

jab se dil lagaya hai tumse,
tumhe hi sochne ki aadat si ho gayi hai,aadat si ho gayi hai..........

Judai

kitni hansi hai yeh judai humari,
har baat ab to yaad aati hai tumhari,
kabhi muskana to kabhi itrana tera,
kitni thi pyaari woh baatein saari.

kabhi lagta hai badi mithi hai yeh judai humari,
badi khaas hai humare liye yeh yaari tumhari,
yoon hi haath pakad kar baahon mein bhar lena,
haai!! kitni khubsurat hain yeh yaadein tumhari,

kya gajab dhaati hai yeh judai humari,
yun hi kabhi aakhein bhar aati hain humari
jab kabhi tumhara chehra aankhon par cha jata hai,
jaise duniya tham jaati hai yeh saari,

oh sanam!humein pagal naa kar de yeh judai humari,
tumhari baaton par to mein hoon apna dil hari,
kabhi yun hi halka sa dard hota hai kahin,
sochkar woh pal jab thi mein sirf tumhari,

kitni hansi hai yeh judai humari,
har baat ab to yaad aati hai tumhari,
lekin jyada yeh dard sahan na hoga sanam,
aakhir aadat jo pad gayi hai tumhari,aadat jo pad gayi hai tumhari............

Akhri Faisla

Akhri Faisla


Lamha lamha jaise sarakta hai,
Dil aur bhi bebak ho dhadakta hai,
Jeevan ka kafila armano aur khwahishon ko lekar,
thodi aur dur chalne ko tadapta hai,

yaad aane lagati hain peeche chuti meethi baatein,
to kabhi sunahari yaadon ka bageecha mahakta hai,
tutkar bikharne lagte hain saare waade,
jhuthi tasalliyon se dil ab na bahalta hai,

lekin saasein ruki nahi hai abhi,
dhadkan ab bhi tumhare saath hai,
jaise chahoge waise hi aage badegi,
jeevan nauka ab bhi tumhare haath hai,

tum zindagi ko chunkar ko dekho,
aur zindagi bhi saharsh tumhe chun legi,
aa gayi hai faisle ki ghadi .....
abyeh mauka shayad zindagi fir na degi...........