Have I been Living?

Life not only ends on dying,But also when there are no answers,no way out.

I have spent 20 years of my life Covering up my tears in my blanket at night,laughing out loud when I acctually wanted to cry aloud,sympathizing with myself and tying to console that everything will be alright when I acctually knew that will not be alright,trying to find out the reasons answers for whatever happened,thinking and dreaming about my boyfrnd, trying to find out happiness in gratification and success. Now, After 20 years of living my life like this I think Whether I have acctually lived?Or was it just superficial way of showing off everyone that I can never be sad and that I am really strong?

I have spent 20 years being good.Depends on how you define the term "Good".For my parents being good means following their dreams for me and overshadowing my expectations from my own self.For my teachers it means I should be able to learn a TECHNIQUE that will lead to my constant GRATIFICATION and SECURITY. Deceiving is the word "happiness" because one cannot be constantly happy.Am I actually looking for constant happiness? Or I am just looking for an escape into the crowd so that I may FIT IN,I am not out of place and time,or atleast others dont find me OBSELETE.

I have spent 20 years dreaming to be with my boyfrnd whom I think I love a lot.Do I acctually love him?Or is it just an obsession?Relations as we see them,black and white,are they always the way they look?20 years of my life have been devoted to learning,or is my education just limited to memorizing thousands of facts and not acctually not the art of living?Or is it that I have been just FRAMED into a Box of "do's and dont's" and now I am supposed to live in the boundary drawn around me for the rest of my life?

I took 20 years to learn that What comes,goes.Nothing stays,nothing is permanent.The only constant thing in this world is Change.We all Change.Sometimes for good of our own selves,sometimes for others our parents,lovers.Change can also be a result of the demand.These changes are always the result of our thoughts.Thoughts, that are always there in our mind.Thoughts make our life change all the time but is it right to always keep on thinking?alongwith changes dont our thought bring Conflicts too?dont they make our problems more complicated?Are not we the ones responsible for our sufferings and pains?are not we the ones who make the problems more complex?

20 years of living made me realise that Friends are not forever.They will leave you at some point of time, may be because of their career choice,or may be because of their love life,or it may also be because of their other frnds.But the thing that I dont understand is Should people be forgiven for this?Of course,they must be because all of us fall in the category of "Friends" of someone.The larger picture asks whether there can be people who are perfect friends,who will never leave you even for their Children?The question is debatable and the answer varies from person to person

I have lived for 20 years and still not lived at all.My Consious mind lets everyone know that I am the happiest person on earth and I have all that I want,but the unconsious mind remains hidden,deep somewhere,unseen and can be felt just by me and no one else.There is no one to listen to my thoughts and even if there is,they are so busy in their lives themselves and have problems and queries of their own.This lonliness that is covered by the glittering false crowd around me,makes my heart hollow,and creates a void that need to be filled then.There are ways that I know like music,books,meditation.But are these ways acctually filling the emptiness in me?Or are they just helping me to run away from it for sometime?

It took me 20 years to realise that love and lust are two separate issues.Lust is for a short time,while Love is forever.After realising this I clearly dont understand why people try to use these two as synonyms in their life? Why is Lust neatly covered by the name of Love?Why people fall in this well of trust and ruin their lives?

What I see is that I have acctually been running in the blind race to the infinity and I have shut my eyes so tight that I missed out on the beautiful side of life.And now when I am trying to open my eyes,I am standing on the mountain top,with no one besides me.

The view on the top is beautiful,but there is no life left,because there is no one to answer my questions,and on the blind run I climbed up the mountain without looking at the way and now I Dont kno the way out....